Category: Confidence

Failing Boldly

In 1990 when it was unheard of for someone with schizophrenia to hold a job I obtained my first position as the administrative assistant to the director of an insurance business.

From 1990 to June 1997 I was laid off–that is terminated–from 4 out of the first 5 jobs I held in that time.

One office manager told me over the telephone not to show up the next day.

I was in my twenties and early thirties when I thought that having a corporate insurance office job was what I wanted in life.

I was 25 when I started my first job in that field.

Decades later I shake my head wondering what possessed me to to want to do that.

Here is what I can tell you:

You might have wanted to work at a job or career and it turns out not to thrill you years later.

You might have been convinced you wanted that job or career and it goes up in flames because it’s not the right one for you after all.

Failing boldly is nothing to be ashamed of. I don’t like to use the word failure because it’s a loaded word.

There’s a negative connotation to failing in American society.

It’s doubly hard to allow yourself to switch gears when you live with a mental illness.

The average Joe or Josephine on the street doesn’t get their behavior scrutinized half as much as we peers do.

Only when an option you chose didn’t work out it’s not that you failed–it’s that the strategy simply wasn’t the right one for you to pursue long-term.

I’m 55 years old today. Thirty years after failing boldly in my first career I’m a different person than I was at 25 years old.

So much of what we peers could do starting out in recovery might be done in reaction against our diagnosis–in the quest to be “normal.”

I would tell readers to choose from different alternatives the option that resonates with you today.

For any number of reasons–and for those not having to do with having an illness–your first choice might not work out.

What you learn along the way in life–either picked up on a job or in a relationship or with a hobby–is hard-won wisdom.

This wisdom will serve you well throughout your life.

I’ll end here by saying that sometimes the best of us can be in denial. We ignore the subconscious dreams we have at night that are red flags telling us not to continue down the road we’re on.

Or we’re afraid to risk doing the thing that is our wildest desire in life.

Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of rejection, and fear of other people’s judgment among other hurdles must be overcome if you and I are to have a life of our own design.

In the coming blog entry I’ll talk more the way I see things. I’ve been living in recovery for 33 years so far.

The more I live my life the more impressed I am with peers who have the courage to stand in their truth and tell their stories without feeling guilty or ashamed.

Be proud of yourself for risking doing something, for trying and possibly failing, and for continuing in the face of this setback.

Coming up what I’ve learned from living in recovery 33 years.

Persistence is Key

I checked out of the library a great resume writing and career guide Be the Captain of Your Career.

The author Jack Molisani talks in the book about persistence. He wrote that when you know how long it will take for you to achieve a goal that giving up halfway isn’t an option.

The author is a recruiter for the tech industry. It takes him 30 tries to be awarded a contract to find a candidate.

The author then knows that if he’s come up short 29 times he’s going to succeed on the 30th try.

Sitting in a chair in the waiting area of the law firm I was approached by a man in a suit who sat down next to me. He inquired as to if I was going on an interview and how the process was going.

My response was: “It’s like this–you get nine no’s and on the tenth try you get a yes. So you shouldn’t give up.”

Long ago in 1998 then I had picked up on what author Jack Molisani knows is true: giving up isn’t an option when the goal matters to you.

In coming blog entries I’ll talk more about goal-setting when it comes to finding a job.

Keeping a Goals Journal

While working through the Changeology 90-day action plan for my goals I track my weekly progress in a journal.

I buy the hardbound journals in Rite Aid. You might be able to pick them up in Staples too.

Tracking Behavior starts in Step 2 Prep and continues after that. I write in the journal as often as needed and re-read the entries every few days.

There–you can see in black-and-white–or in blue or black ink how you’re coming along.

So far I’ve achieved one 3-month goal. I’m in Step 5 or Persist which lasts the rest of your life.

This requires that you get honest with yourself about what’s going on that is derailing you from achieving a goal.

Measuring a behavior could tend to improve a behavior. When you’re accounting for what you’ve done the tendency is engage in the goal activity.

Keeping track of what you spend money on for example could be the natural segue for spending less.

The goals journal should be a separate one from a regular day-to-day journal.

Using hardbound books motivates me to go back and flip through the pages to see how I’ve improved.

In the coming blog entry I’m going to talk about finding a mentor to help you out in your life and career.

In Step 2 you mobilize your support team. In Step 3 and beyond you rely on these helping relationships.

My stance is that peers should empower each other not be jealous of each other. Jealousy is a form of self-stigma.

Instead of being envious of others I’ve always wanted to “pick their brains” to see what enabled them to succeed.

One mentor was instrumental in my life and I’ll talk about him next.

Creating a Goals Binder

In 2000 when I started my librarian job I bought a black binder with clear sleeves. On the front cover I inserted an index card that I typed my life goals on. On the back cover I inserted the Theodore Roosevelt quote about daring greatly.

I used each tabbed section of the binder to insert different worksheets. One section houses pages that list my goals for each decade of my life. Another section is where I placed the Accomplishments lists. A different section contains sheets of life guidelines I typed up.

Every so often I re-read the binder. When I showed the binder to a woman who was an LCSW she was astonished that I wrote down my goals in vivid detail.

I recommend creating a goals binder. Skimming through it might give you comfort in this time of the pandemic where everything has been halted.

At first you might read the contents every week. I read my own binder every two months.

In tandem with this approach I recommend keeping a goals journal. I’ll talk about this in the coming blog entry.

Combating Self-Doubt

Confidence and self-doubt go hand-in-hand. The point is you can thrive even when the doubt comes on Persisting in the face of self-doubt is possible.

Years ago I did this very thing by creating a list of everything I accomplished in my life by the time I was 50. I was 51 when I typed up this list.

The arrow point is that everything counts whether a big goal or a tiny action either way.

The times when you think something can’t be done are when you can refer to your list of achievements.

In lieu of accomplishments you can write a list of things you like about yourself that you’re proud of.

The goal with either of these lists is to free-write and number each item as it comes to you.

The list doesn’t have to be long.

My list featured 33 items. They were as simple as joining the St. George Library teen writing group to obtaining a driver’s license and as big as traveling to Italy.

Try to keep going until your writing hand can’t go anymore.

Re-read the list when you need a shot in the arm of confidence.

In keeping with this exercise I’ll talk in the next blog entry about novel ideas I have for getting confidence to tackle goals.

Getting Confidence

Years ago I was told not to rah-rah peers with the “If you believe it you can achieve it” cheer.

It might not be possible for most people to have the mental motivation to get into action to achieve a goal.

In light of this reality I want to resurrect something I wrote over 7 years ago.

As the Health Guide for the HealthCentral schizophrenia website from 2007 to September 2015 I wrote hundreds of news articles about recovery that were in the vanguard.

In all the time I advanced these ideas no one else copied what I had to say or has picked up on these things since.

One article I wrote talked about getting confidence as a person living in recovery.

Right here I’ll resurrect this theme.

To get confidence you need to remember that the outcome doesn’t matter. It’s the process of taking action that counts.

In this regard I’ve always remembered what a champion athlete had to say about this:

Venus Williams the star tennis player wrote an article in the New York Times in which she talked about goal-setting.

Her ultimate criteria for success was to ask yourself if you feel good. In my take the outcome is irrelevant as well.

It is the striving to achieve something that counts more.

The prize belongs to those of us with the courage to try, to risk, to fail, and to try again.

Years ago I bought from a local trophy shop two medals that hang from red-white-and-blue ribbons. One spells out GOLD. It was my reward for lifting weights at the gym.

The other is a baker’s cap and three spoons that signified my budding hobby cooking from recipes.

As the Health Guide I championed that to feel good about yourself you should have a hobby you like to do.

You don’t need to excel at the hobby to feel good. That’s the point.

My premise was this: working out at the gym or at home entitles you to claim you are an athlete.

You are a bona fide cook or chef when you create mouthwatering meals.

Gaining expertise then I countered was a way to get confidence.

What do you think?