Drs. Costakis and McKelvey of Zucker-Hillside Hospital Northwell Health talked about schizophrenia using a PowerPoint slide show listing symptoms medication and other facets of treatment.
At the end there was a Q&A. One question was directed at me re: what I wrote in Left of the Dial to the effect: I strive to be creative and express myself yet want to blend in.
The person’s question was about how to set that boundary.
I want to go into more detail here to expound on what I told the listeners on Tuesday.
The boundary lies in how you interact with others in an appropriate way and with respect. Not sharing private information about your life indiscriminately. Being able to discern what is fair game to reveal and what should be kept to yourself.
To the people listening to the talk I had said:
I think you cannot act false to yourself. You must act true to yourself. Early in my recovery I had jobs in corporate insurance offices and I had an apartment. So it appeared that I had recovered because I had a “normal” life.
Only I don’t consider myself to have recovered until I started my librarian job when I was 35 years old. The library was a different environment.
Working in the corporate offices I wasn’t able to thrive. Not only that it failed to give me economic opportunity.
I would say that you should show up as yourself in every interaction you have with other people.
That is the answer I gave to the question. At the end of the event I think I could’ve said more along the lines of:
Today I have no desire to blend in. Certain things I wrote in my memoir when it was published I see differently today.
For one–how I was impressed with women I called “living museums” with the perfect hair impeccable pocketbook and smashing clothes.
The idea of wanting to blend in no longer holds an allure either.
This is because for years after the book was published I’ve thought that you cannot repress your soul and expect to be well.
I would go further to say that that you should choose your job carefully when it comes to the type of work environment you will thrive in.
In the next blog entry I’ll talk in more detail about my own career trajectory to illustrate this point.
It comes down to what pioneer Advocate Pat Deegan called having “the dignity of risk and the right to fail.”
Sometimes you don’t know until you try on a job or career for size that it’s not the right one for you.
I was 24 when I expressed that sentiment about wanting to blend in.
I’m 55 years old today and things are different.
When you’re first starting out making a compromise might be necessary to get your foot in the door of having work experience.
Only I still think it’s a slippery slope in terms of finances and self-actualization to hide yourself and your light from view at any time in your life.